June 04, 2012
In our quest for ultimate zombie protection, we oftentimes get caught up in the buzzwords or popular, yet overused, scenarios that seem to (appropriately) infect the culture. Every shooting subculture is guilty of it — even our beloved zombie hunters. So in an effort to eradicate certain trends just like we hope to dispatch brain-munchers, here are 10 of the most overused, annoying zombie cliches.
OK, who ordered this? I mean, normal infections spread at a known rate. Why do zombie infections all have to operate at 10 times the usual rate? The rate the flu spreads isn't scary enough?
Slow vs. Fast
This is an argument? One at a time, it is simply a minorly different marksmanship problem. In swarms, it becomes a strategic, not tactical, problem. Just be glad they frakkin' can't fly, is all I say.
Go to sleep alive, wake up dead and already their skin is rotting off? Sorry, decomposition doesn't happen that fast outside of the swamp, and so there will be some pretty normal-looking zombies in the early days and weeks of an outbreak.
Oh, don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good people in FEMA. But the very thought that a government agency could be spooled up fast enough to react to the speed of an outbreak's infection rate is guffaw-inducing amusement.
There's an outbreak? OK, since I've already stocked up on guns and ammo, my first step is to strip clean the shelved inventory of water-purification goodies in hiking stores. No way am I going to get infected from infected water, as long as I have the chemical industry to depend on.
Arguing Over Caliber
You've got a gun? And correct ammo for it? Good. Stop your whining, pay attention to your front sight and press cleanly.
In every movie, there are those who refuse to believe. This isn't like arguing flat vs. spherical Earth; all you've got to do is look.
The Crazy Guy is Right
The loony guy, living alone, who tried to warn everyone? He turned out to be correct. Well, correct on this, but the other 57 loony things he believed still aren't true. So don't go asking him for more predictions.
All Cars Have Keys
The apocalypse breaks out, and suddenly everyone leaves the keys in the ignition? Nope, you'd better be very, very good at hot-wiring, or expect to do a lot of walking.
All Rifles Are Zeroed
Find a rifle and immediately start popping zombies? Guess again. I've had full-time police officers arrive in classes with ARs that were so off-zero they would not print on a sheet of typing paper at 25 yards. Be happy, but check the zero.
Yes, the zombie outbreak may kill you. But failing to wash your hands has killed people for centuries. Find soap, make your water clean and keep your hands clean, or that little knife jab in your hand from cutting 550 cord will get a staph infection, and you'll be dead in a week.
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