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Tips & Tactics

The Most Important Point: Fitness and Zombies

by Patrick Sweeney   |  February 21st, 2012 11
Zombieland

Cardio was Rule No. 1 of 2009's Zombieland (above), and for good reason. You're going to have to be in pretty good shape to avoid the walking -- or running -- dead.

As someone who is both gregarious and remote, I have been to a number of parties. It helped (or hurt, depending on your point of view) that I spent an inordinate amount of my time in careers and municipalities where people partied almost as a professional.

At one point, the coming apocalypse was discussed. Back then, it wasn’t zombies, we were still trying to figure out how to deal with Soviet nukes. Y2K was a ways off.

I made the crack that got me barred from a certain party circuit: “Well, if it is going to happen, I hope it happens soon, while I can still enjoy it.”

I was seen as some sort of war-mongerer, the nutjob, who dressed like like a lumberjack. As I said, it was a long time ago. It was quite a while before some of those party-hard members were willing to stay at the same party with me. Didn’t hurt my feelings, any.

The most important point of all, and the one they missed back then?  Be physically fit. It would suck to try and dodge zombies while confined to a walker.

We’ve all heard the joke, right? The one where someone says, “I don’t have to be faster than the bear. I just have to be faster than you.”

Well, in its own macabre way, it is true. You have to be in good shape, or you will find that not just zombies, but a whole host of other hazards will do you in.

Overweight? Out of breath? Find not-so-heavy objects are kinda heavy? Congrats, you are not just high on the list of zombie-bait, you are also high on the list of infectious diseases, prone to entertaining interesting bacterial growths in cuts and scrapes, and less likely to be able to deal with bad weather. While not so selective, viruses and bacteria are not so easy to shrug off when you are out of shape.

“Aerobicize” is not just good advice for escaping the tottering swarms of zombies out there, but also to increase your odds with all the other hazards you will face now, before the apocalpyse and after. After all, until the plague breaks out, you are more likely to have to outrun stray dogs than fast-runners, and if you are in good shape you won’t throw your back out, which would really cramp your zombie-dodging style.

So get to it. Lay off the super-sized fries, do some extra walking, and would it kill you to do a few pushups, first thing out of bed in the morning?

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