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Zombie Nation Tips & Tactics

The Most Important Point: Fitness and Zombies

by Patrick Sweeney   |  February 21st, 2012 11

Cardio was Rule No. 1 of 2009's Zombieland (above), and for good reason. You're going to have to be in pretty good shape to avoid the walking -- or running -- dead.

As someone who is both gregarious and remote, I have been to a number of parties. It helped (or hurt, depending on your point of view) that I spent an inordinate amount of my time in careers and municipalities where people partied almost as a professional.

At one point, the coming apocalypse was discussed. Back then, it wasn’t zombies, we were still trying to figure out how to deal with Soviet nukes. Y2K was a ways off.

I made the crack that got me barred from a certain party circuit: “Well, if it is going to happen, I hope it happens soon, while I can still enjoy it.”

I was seen as some sort of war-mongerer, the nutjob, who dressed like like a lumberjack. As I said, it was a long time ago. It was quite a while before some of those party-hard members were willing to stay at the same party with me. Didn’t hurt my feelings, any.

The most important point of all, and the one they missed back then?  Be physically fit. It would suck to try and dodge zombies while confined to a walker.

We’ve all heard the joke, right? The one where someone says, “I don’t have to be faster than the bear. I just have to be faster than you.”

Well, in its own macabre way, it is true. You have to be in good shape, or you will find that not just zombies, but a whole host of other hazards will do you in.

Overweight? Out of breath? Find not-so-heavy objects are kinda heavy? Congrats, you are not just high on the list of zombie-bait, you are also high on the list of infectious diseases, prone to entertaining interesting bacterial growths in cuts and scrapes, and less likely to be able to deal with bad weather. While not so selective, viruses and bacteria are not so easy to shrug off when you are out of shape.

“Aerobicize” is not just good advice for escaping the tottering swarms of zombies out there, but also to increase your odds with all the other hazards you will face now, before the apocalpyse and after. After all, until the plague breaks out, you are more likely to have to outrun stray dogs than fast-runners, and if you are in good shape you won’t throw your back out, which would really cramp your zombie-dodging style.

So get to it. Lay off the super-sized fries, do some extra walking, and would it kill you to do a few pushups, first thing out of bed in the morning?

  • John Z Sr.

    So what you are telling me here is we need more long "field course" at the next ZSA match !!

  • Antonio

    I loaded wood into my wood-burning stove at 3:57AM (no kidding). That may not count as aerobics, but I thought maybe the 357 thing was telling me something. Anyway, family hikes on weekends, trying to keep up with the kids, inclines, hills, rocks, chasing the dog, that's put some air in my lungs.

  • WTFingzombies

    Really this is about zombies not guns. Nothing about guns you damn fool Patrick. I swear to God that xbox mag has more on guns.

    • Truesnix

      His subscription for the xbox magazine must of ran out. Where else do you think he gets his material?

      And what is with the first half of the post all about his past partying days? WHO CARES!

  • Tom

    'Guns&Ammo' That's what I like to read about. Lately This place has seriously gone down hill!

  • DK504

    Finally a reason for rednecks to get into shape… LOL. Sad, but true. Time to start power walking kids and stop smoking'.

  • ZedHead2012

    A Zombie article that makes sense. And written by sWeeney . . . almost as shocking as finding Zed in your pantry.
    Here at Zombie Hunter Team 1A (ZHT-1A), we also endorse exercise, cardio being a corner stone to our Physical Training (PT) regime. Start out slow, work your way up to what you feel is an honest acceptable level of PT. Dont be afraid to challenge yourself, but do listen to your body if you feel pain. There is good pain as weakness leaves the body, but there also is bad pain as something is stressed or pulled. We recommend consulting your doctor prior undertaking any PT to ensure you dont hurt yourself.
    We also recommend a low to moderate free weights work out with emphasis on high repetition. Building up balk may look nice at the beach and get the ladies attention, but that is also additional weight that can slow you down when on the run.

    Remember, Zed is always lurking!

  • guest

    What is with the emo/teen angst first half?
    My daughter (13yrs old) wants to know when the movie comes out will the zombies glitter in the sunlight?

  • loren brown

    Keep the zombie fun coming!

  • Mack Missiletoe

    Hey remember that fellow on Disney's movie Hook who rolled down the stairs and took out a load of Pirates? *wink *wink

  • Travis Hosman

    Rule #1 of the Zombie Apocalypse or any Apocalypse, cardio. One should be cardiovascularly prepared for all types of melee encountered.

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