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Know Your Undead: 5 Need-to-Know Zombie Types

by Patrick Sweeney   |  November 3rd, 2011 93

ZombieYou have to know your zombie types, not because you treat them any differently — head shots rule, always keep that in mind — but the different types will inform how you act when you leave the secret hidden bunker. I’ve listed research and documentary films that will aid you in your fight against the zombies.

1. Voodoo: The original, the “no problem, mon” zombie was a product of the witch doctor. Using powerful drugs and hypnotic suggestion, a person’s will could be stripped away and becoming a tool of the doctor. The drugs were so strong that the zombie could only move slowly with great effort. Theoretically, the condition could be reversed, but it depended on knowing what drugs were used (See: Live and Let Die, 1973).

2. Radiation: Radiation causes two types of zombies. The first was uncovered in the 1968 film Night of the Living Dead, where we see the now-common shuffling, decaying, flesh-eating zombies who have some tool use. We learn how to kill them, and also of importance, that fire disposes of them permanently. A second class of radiation zombies was described in Night of the Comet (1984), and these zombies, while dead and decaying, are still sentient and able to converse, and move more quickly than the shufflers

When the researchers came back to cover the Night of the Living Dead territory again in a 1990 documentary of the same name — confusing, but hey, that’s zombie research for you — we watched Patricia Tallman disposing of various zombies, finding far enough into their undeadness that they cannot use tools.

The British researched the slow, shuffling stupid zombie in Shaun of the Dead (2004), where we find that a cricket bat is a fine disposal tool, although I still worry about transmission of the zombie effect from splatter.

3. Scientists: Basically, it goes something like this: “Hey Bob, this is one ferocious hamster you’ve infected with this mutated virus. What say we see what it does to something bigger.” Then the infected guard/attack dog bites them, and like the stupid morons they are, they go to a hospital and don’t tell anyone what they have. While some are slow, shuffling, stupid and awkward, some are not. More on those in a bit.

Viral zombies are particularly dangerous. Where the zombies have to catch and bite you to infect you, their slow speed makes that relatively easy. But viral zombieism can be spread much more easily.

Scientists also reanimate the dead — see the excellent Re-Animator (1985) as reference — giving us even more reasons to make sure that all wearers of white lab coats receive adult supervision at all times.

4. Viral: The viral zombie is most often the fast mover, a very animate, albeit still quite stupid, undead creature. They can move quickly and are strong enough to climb obstacles that would give a parkour enthusiast reason to pause. This speed is also a weakness. Where the shufflers can be killed only by cracking the skull — thus exposing their brains to oxygen, the one thing that stops its function — the viral fast-mover can be killed simply by running out of energy — us — to eat. Shoot a shuffler through the body, and it keeps going until it rots to nothing. Shoot a viral fast-mover, and it will eventually stop, but not until it has chased you into the next county.

Viral fast-movers can be killed most quickly with headshots, or separating the head from the body. But if you have the means, you can settle for busting them up and leaving the A.O. For more information on this, consult Zombieland (2009) and 28 Days Later (2002).

5. Supernatural: Everyone knows that there is no such thing as a supernatural zombie, as there are no supernatural forces. Let’s get real here.

  • Ed Johnson

    What about #6:Occupy Wall Street protester zombies?

    • Kainan

      How about all the GUN NUT/Republican zombies that tell others how to live their lives but don't like their 2nd amendment being infringed upon?

      • Nate

        Why are you here?

        • Kainan

          Um to express my OPINION? Or are you THAT stupid to figure that out?

          • Theodore DiVito

            What about all the LIBTARD zombies such as Kainan who don't have anything intelligent to say and lead ruinous lifestyles and expect OTHERS to pay for it?

          • Kainan

            Well I assure I am a hardworking American, teacher by trade and I don't lead a ruinous life. Thank you very much. I do however have something VERY intelligent to say to you-you sir are a Retardican-see I too can combine Retard and Republican, just like it burned out both of your last two brains cells to come up with Liberal + Retard = Libtard….And FYI NO one pays for my Glock, my cigars or my music.

          • poadair

            There is no shuch thing as a HARDWORKING TEACHER and because you are a public employee we all have to pay for your crap. Secondly while you might not lead a ruinous life you are sure responsible for at least one and possibly more generations of worthless so called "thinkers" that would not know the difference between Marx and Lennin.

          • James

            I am in no way defending the guy…. But you apparently have never been a teacher or around one outside of school. My wife spends at least an hour of time at home doing work at home for the sniveling little brats she teaches. We also shell out about $500 of our own money a school year on stuff parents orthe school district won't pay for.

          • Kainan

            There most certainly IS such a thing as a HARD WORKING Teacher, in fact here goes: "shuch" is not a word in the English language. And NO you don't pay for a damn thing for me! I work in foster care(private school)-you know like CARING for people (KIDS) that need help. Your lack of intelligence/spelling skills leads me to believe that you are either: inbred or special needs; I have a friend that teaches that if you need help! ;) And I am not responsible for "worthless so called 'thinkers'" I am responsible for ensuring students have a quality education unlike how public school FAILED on you. >;P

          • alex

            scares me that there's someone like you teaching kids

          • Ted

            Drop the candy and let the little boy go.

          • VoiceofReason

            Kainan, you appear very self-centered and perhaps even a bit irrational. I imagine your anger at people not sharing your opinions disturbs many who have read your posts. You might seek help, buddy. Nate asked the question "Why are you here?" when you posted "How about all the GUN NUT/Republican zombies that tell others how to live their lives but don't like their 2nd amendment being infringed upon?" You DO realize this thread is posted on Guns and Ammo magazine, right? Think about it. Can you figure that one out?

          • NRA Patriot

            Hey (Educator), Its no wonder our kids are turning out like they are. You can't even properly phrase a sentence right. Check out your second sentence in your reply to Nate. And YOU are teacher? Also read my earlier replies to your nonsense below.

          • Kainan

            Oh don't worry I can spell, but as is the case, sometimes I miss a word; I don't believe I misspelled a word. I can assure that all is well in grown-up land. So again, I wont think in your forums and you don't pray in my schools! So what is your argument? You used "its" incorrectly-its a possessive determiner when spelled "Its" and not they way you meant and in: It's (It is)- [...It's no wonder our kids....]. See you need help with word usage too, but I won't call you on that. :) There, is that enough grammar for you NRA Pupil? lol!

          • Hooter

            i didn't care to even get into this but, "don't pray in my school"? that's your problem pal. you and others like you, that beacause our kids today are "taught" to deny God, do go on "ruinous" lives. Don't worry pal, I'll say a prayer for you. it's not for me to say if you're worth it or not

          • Stavros

            You do not seem bright enough to form an opinion, much less express one…

          • Dom

            Well now, it's all well and good to have ones own opinions, but answering a simple question with an insult to someones intelligence seems a tad unreasonable, especially considering both of your posts above are unwarrented acts of agression.

          • Dom

            I intended that to go to Kainan's first two posts, not down here. New here.

          • John

            Dom, I was just thinking that as I read your post.

        • Mike

          Yeah, no kidding Nate. Bleeding heart liberal on a gun forum. More like a mole! Hahahaha just expression of opinion; our rights.

      • Kelly

        Gun Nut / Republican, I guess I resemble that remark. Not sure if I have told anyone how to live their lives. Seems to me Democrats have told us how and when we can get healthcare, how much money we can make( if your a wall street type, if your an actor or athlete, they don't care how much you make) what kind of cars to drive, even what kind of light bulbs we can use. I would guess that most Gun Nut/Republicans like me would just like to see the government live within its means just like the citizens have to do(without paying 50% of our income in taxes). If you disagree that is your right and I wouldn't use this forum to try to change your mind, at least we can agree that Glocks are dang fine weapons!

        • Kainan

          Then STOP voting for the RICH 1% who BUY your politicians and laws. Dems are guilty of it too! ;)

        • Kainan

          ALSO, Kelly I have never had a Democrat politician take away ANY of my rights, but ask Women, Gays, Minorities (all of which have had to fight to get rights) and the abortion/pro death penalty issue….so just think about what "your" party does to others and compare sides….I am a 100% American-don't beLIEve in and "god" or fake man on a cross that died for my sins BS I am like Pat Tillman-remember him? I THINK for myself I am not a little sheep like the rest of you BA-AH-AH-AH-AH!

          • Hersfelder

            you need to get off your high horse…..that you teach in a private school just means that you are working for the 1%……..why don't you go into the poor urban area and teach in the schools there?……oh, I forget……it is easier and safer to talk than to do…….my bad…..

          • Kainan

            Hey stupid did you not read? FOSTER care-you kids that need more help than regular school kids MUCH less rich private schools. Learn to read and comprehend what is written on here…well never mind I guess thinking is a skill you lack….

          • Hersfelder

            I read. Your writing was just so confusing…"I work in foster care(private school)-you know like CARING for people (KIDS) that need help." If you were trying to make a point that you are better than anybody else or better than teachers in public schools because you teach in the foster care system, you muddied your point by including "(private school)." You really are quite emotional and vitriolic; not at all like the logical professional teacher of yesteryear. I feel sorry for you and I feel sorry for your students.

          • Kainan

            Um the term private school applies-it is a private school i.e. NOT public-what don't you get? I am not emotional (unlike you 2nd amendment loonies) and "vitriolic" (hmm didn't Sarah 'failin' Palin use that phrase incessantly) oh no wait that was a FOX news talking point. lol! :)

          • Hersfelder

            I thought "foster care" was publicly funded – you know, foster parents receiving money from state/local government to take care of unwanted or problematic kids. So, if you teach in a private school, where, ultimately, does the money come from? If the foster parents provide the funding, I'll bet it comes from some government entity somewhere….

          • Kainan

            It comes from kind and caring private groups that care about kids and not about religion or political parties or anything NOT related to helping my students. 'Nuff said! Good day sir. :)

          • Hersfelder

            Hersfelder. Out.

          • Stavros

            You seem like a very ANGRY person. There are classes, counseling, and medications for people with these types of conditions. Do yourself a favor and look into your options…

          • mirror

            Wow you are the most annoying troll. I bet you do this all the time, too timid to accomplish this rant in a public forum, however you are quite the orator when you hide behind your pc. Express your opinion on gun ownership in front of your liberal friends, or perhaps your support of tobacco producers especially the human rights crushing countries that produce those cigars you love. You're very hypocritical, and confused crucifying others beliefs while you request nails for your own cross, and confused because this is a zombie discussion.

          • Kainan

            You must be confused too, if you are replying to my comments and not talking about zombies too. Read all the crap posted by your ilk and see how I came to talk about my points….Um I DO express gun ownership and I am also anti-death penalty, My cigars come from mail order and have strict regulations on human rights, straight from that mail order company itself. No sir I am not hypocritical unlike you and all your goofy gun nut friends. :)

          • mirror

            you are a little troll supporting a party which supported Jim crow laws and which used the kkk to terrorize black americans post civil war you hypocrite. Ask whatever institution supplied you with that degree for a refund they failed in you. Put your ruler away as well in the end you should have realised you don't measure up.

          • Kainan

            Um again I have to reply to a moron on this forum…NO I would never support Jim Crow BS, And I am talking about CURRENT as in MODERN Democrats you moron! and it's spelled "realized." Did you not see that little squiggly red line underneath "realised?" This forum has a spell check built in… and fyi I AM a minority! And no I don't need a refund from my university-can you say YOO-NI-VER-CITY? LOL you inbreds are a riot! I love you guys! Keep sticking to your guns (pun intended) Peace out- going to the theater and movies this weekend-maybe I'll smoke a Cohiba and have pity thoughts about you all! :) Bon voyage! Sayonara! Hasta luego! Besame mucho on my back side! LOL!

          • doc

            Your a minority? So your white?

          • VoiceofReason

            Kainan, you act like you believe in God, but seriously – you are not Him. You need to come back down to earth and get in touch with reality, man. You come across as being so self-centered that your posts are laughable. I really have enjoyed reading them but I do feel sorry (and a bit afraid) for your students. If I had kids in your class, I would pull them ASAFP. Oh, and I'm a Democrat by the way – And I hate people that make irrational statements like you. Have you taken the time to re-read some of the things you've written?

          • Kainan

            "And I hate people that make irrational statements like you." Wow and you are afraid of me? Wow you are laughable! So you hate…..typical.

          • VoiceofReason

            Seek help – You need it.

          • VoiceofReason

            Kainan, I do wish you'd READ a post before you respond irrationally to it. I never said that I was afraid of you. I said that I was afraid for your students. To me, that implies that I'm worried about them. You're right – I should never have used the word "hate". I should've chosen "dislike or distrust" instead. But I assumed that you'd get the drift, without slamming me by playing the "hate" card. I'm beginning to think that you're really not as stupid as your posts suggest. I think you may just be trying to push peoples' buttons by writing trash to and about them.

          • Kelly

            I'm sorry you feel that way, I can't think of any specific situations where the republician party took away anyones rights, but I'm sure it has happened at some point, government has grown way to big under both republician and democratic administrations. We have strayed to far away from our Constitution, and to far away from our faith in God and Jesus Christ. I understand that you may see the Christian religion as heard of sheep, but until you experience the love of Christ it won't make much sense to you. I worry about all your anger and the fact that you work with children, I don't mean that as a slam, although I expect you will feel like it is. I will promise you this, I have a prayer list and your name will be on it. I will continue to pray for God to find his way through your hard shell, at some point it will happen. I will not be returning to this forum, and will never know what your reply is, but I will keep my promise. Calm down, relax, buy some Zombie targets from Academy and work out your anger by running a couple of hundred rounds through that Glock.

          • Kainan

            Um seriously, get professional help. I don't believe in your little god. And in class, I am quite fun! :) I make my students think for themselves all while giving them history, art, lit, science, math and soc. studies. :) You guys like to attack a liberal like me and don't actually take them time to converse-only one person on here-James defended what I do-he doesn't agree with my views but he was civil about it, Everyone else name calls and I return the favor. So again, have a great day, and take care. After school today I am going to smoke a nice Cohiba and relax….:)

          • Chris

            I follow you on the straying from the constitution my friend, but I can't agree with you on the religious part. Our founding fathers were at the very least secularists. So I don't think they had that same belief system as you. I'm not going to bash you for it, I just think that the whole religious talk needs to be taken back a bit. The Treaty of Tripoli did state that America was not a nation of Christians, but a nation of people. I will tell you this, I fought for my country, I paid my dues, and I am an Atheist. I would gladly give up my life to protect your right to worship how you see fit, but I do ask, would give up yours for my right to not worship your god?

      • TKD-2Dan

        Yep heaven forbid we want ALL our liberties and freedoms. How crazy that sounds, right?
        Would it be better for you if we just got in line and followed the supreme chancelor?

      • NRA Patriot

        Kainan I don't guess you can help it, afterall you were taught by the same liberal loonies in college my daughter was taught by. She had a little common sense before she went for (higher education) but the idiots that call themselves professors educated it all out of her. Do you people even teach about American history anymore? How about the Constitution of the United States? I think not because most so called educators I know are pretty damned ignorant about the subject. God uses the simple to confuse the wise. That is the wise in their own eyes. Obama is coming for your glock Kainan, better wise up.

        • Kainan

          So then people that go get a higher education are what? What are we? Um yeah you have no point stupid-because news flash-Bush and Bush Jr. and Reagan and Boehner and Cantor, Palin, McCain, Cain, Gingrich-WE ALL college educated…some argument against me…

          • Kainan


      • NRA Patriot

        Kainan, How many of those occupy zombies are you're students? And by the way I don't belong to any party that doesn't respect the Constitution. The republican party was the first to trample on it, remember Abe Lincoln? Now the democratic party treats that sacred piece of paper like it's ass wipe. Hell has a special place reserved for you people! The Second Ammendment upholds all the other freedoms you enjoy including your right to be an educated idiot. You can give a fool an education but what do you have afterwards?

        • Kainan

          you have George W. Bush, oh it was a rhetorical question I thought you were making a joke… lol!

        • Kainan

          Yeah with that whole 13th Amendment abolishing slavery right? I mean what a HORRIBLE thing Lincoln did!

          • Hersfelder

            You ARE a dumass! You need to re-look the process for ratifying an amendment to the Constitution. The only thing Lincold did was to approve the Joint Resolution of Congress submitting the proposed (13th) amendment to the state legislatures. He was dead before it was ratified by even a few of the states. What Lincold did do was to "emancipate" the slaves in the states in rebellion….typical political grandstanding politician….how could he (President of the UNITED States) "free" the slaves in a country of which he was not the President (CONFEDERATE States)? Pandering to the voters in the north.

          • Kainan

            You sound so angry and bitter that he did that. Hmm are you somehow upset that he did that? Are you wishing things were like the "good ole days?" Hmm you need help…."President Lincoln took an active role in working for its passage through the House by ensuring the amendment was added to the Republican Party platform for the upcoming Presidential elections." The Thirteenth Amendment's archival copy bears an apparent Presidential signature, under the usual ones of the Speaker of the House and the President of the Senate, after the words "Approved February 1, 1865" Straight from…

          • mirror

            Hey do you realise that the strong ARM of the democrats post civil war was the kkk?

          • Kainan
          • Usaf PJ

            Did you really post wiki as a reference? Some great teacher you are…:D

          • Cary

            Guys, please. Don't you realize that you're arguing with, at best, the janitor's helper? His statements have proven he has no grasp of the mythological and elementary level history as taught in today's grade schools yet you're trying to explain factual history to him. It's a waste of time. He lacks both the foundation and the tools for comprehension.

          • Kainan

            *YAWN* attempting to insult me only makes me *YAWN* you have nothing in the way of substantial to argue with. You sir are the toilet I clean, since you compare me to a janitor's helper! :)

          • DirtyWhiteBoy

            Why bother with him ? Hes going to Hell so nothing else on earth matters much to him . I would love to see his face when he has to look my "Little God" in the eyes and explain his remarks .

          • Kainan

            And you are full of it! Have a nice day! :)

  • Black Dawg

    28 Days Later was not a zombie movie, it was an outbreak movie. That's why they could be killed with without headshots.

  • Wet Willy

    They neglected another type of zombie, one that is resurrected by supernatural means and they seem to have some remaining cognitive abilities although they don’t seem to move too fast. This is a serious omission. For research on this type of zombie, reference; “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”.

    • Big J

      Did you read # 5

  • Lanney Ratcliff

    There are more than enough REAL threats in this world for me to waste time with this persistent obsession with zombies. Yes, I realize that it's just fun and and every word is uttered with tongues planted firmly in cheeks…but it just leaves me cold. As George McMichael often said to Amos McCoy…"There, I've had my say!"
    Texas Curmudgeon.

    • Dallas

      Then why are you here on this page? lol

  • JeffKnox

    The all time greatest zombie quip in a movie:

    • seth

      ja ja thanks for that!

  • medmann41

    Worst zombies of all…..Obama Zombies……………no brains

    • Hersfelder

      Yeah….like the bumper-sticker says: "If you voted for Obama to prove you are not a racist, you need to vote against him now to prove you are not stupid."

  • guest

    Don't forget the movie "The Crazies"-about a airplane crashing into a swamp and had toxic nerve gas on board and infecting most people in town who drank the infected water.

  • Ted

    Kainan likes buggery

  • The_Mr_Risk

    I love these columns! And I find it MOST impressive that they are "endorsed" by Guns & Ammo!

    But Patrick, PLEASE proof read your articles before posting them!!!!

    And keep up the good work!

  • seth

    ja ja thanks for that!

  • John Doe

    @ · JeffKnox : that's some funny stuff right there. Makes me laugh every time.
    Don't forget the Walken Dead… .

  • John Doe
  • TKD-2Dan

    It's not just G&A that is getting into the zombie trade.
    Hornady came out with a line of ammo specifically for zombies.
    ~I'm ok with the all those anti gun people, they will keep the zombies busy, while they try to explain why eating them is bad. So I can get my guns ready to defend my family.

  • Michael

    I did not know Patrick had such a sense of hummor. Never really thought about the different types of zombies but now I feel like I may be able to make an informed identifiction if I ever encounter one.
    Too bad this turned into a Political rant, but god save us from the susposed do-gooders who want to take our guns.
    Thanks Guns and Ammo for the article

  • Charles

    New kind of Zombie: Kainan; dead from the neck up!

    • Hersfelder

      ….and let's hope dead from the waist down, too…………….

    • DownwithKainan

      You got THAT right, buddy!

  • Kilroy

    Zombie #6: Zombie Troll = Kainan.

  • Justin_1986

    Did you guys miss the whole point of the article. Please re-read it doesn't say "lets talk about rights" or "lets discuss the political parties." It's for you entertainment and not to bash everyone. Kind of defeats the purpose if you ask me. Which by the no one did but o-well.

  • Justin_1986

    ….. o and dont forget to double tap

  • Rob

    ALL politicians SUCK! You need guns (2nd Ad.) to protect yourself and your family from them. Don't be a sheeple. Live free or be there opressed B%^H !

  • Rob

    Almost forgot, Zombies or anything, double tap (chest then head) until it stops.

  • Merlin

    Back on task……….I'd personally use an AA-12 if I could get one. It was the shotgun used in the "Expendables" Now THAT is a shotgun!

    • Kainan

      That it is! With a 32 round drum! BANG! Nice and some Hornady ammo in a Glock!

  • Guest

    Wow Kainan after reading your post I hope the people you work for are also, you apparently have no business anywhere near children and should seek help. I will say a prayer for you.

  • Guest

    Merlin, I agree however have strugled with where I would get the 18 Wheeler to cary spare ammo.

  • Jim Lewis

    Think God were in the U.S.A. and all can express our views, Im in a democrat area but we dont vote allways for democrats, most of the people here owns at least 1 firearm, i have shotguns,rifles, 20 plus handguns, 5 blackpowder weapons, 5 swords, respect the 2nd amendent, and regesterd demo

  • Jeff

    What a moronic thread. All firearms afficianados (gun nuts) are not republicans. Some of us don't follow the hordes. We vote with our brains; Libertarian. On topic; an assortment of weapons & some skill with them would serve well if you were in a farly stationary situation. As in Dawn of the Dead. Everyone that can is jumping on the zombie bandwagon. It's profitable & not likely to piss of many of the special interest groups, except possibly some bible thumpers who think they are satanic.

  • Connor

    The sheriff in the original "Night of the Living Dead" commented that if you shoot a zombie in the head they stay dead. To say that there is no supernatural zombies is self contradictory since a zombie by nature would be a supernatural entity. Is it so hard to have civil discourse without our fears overriding reason? Sadly we assume that what we think we know is the only "reality". To be truly scientific and rational (while keeping a sense of humor) is to consider testing the evidence for God, angels, demons, witch doctors etc. without a preconceived notion. Guns, cars, and chainsaws are useful tools when properly handled but deadly when misused. The more we indulge ourselves in the 30 second hate diatribes, the less free we are from fear. Once a month I wonder what other people think of me, it takes about five seconds. Then I go back to making life more bearable for those around me. For those who have trouble dealing with reality or diversity there are books and medications I can recommend from personal experience. Yes, I was a sustitute teacher for a while when not otherwise employed and I enjoy target practice with my sons.

    • Garandguy

      Good post, Connor! You're a tad wordy (just like me), but you're absolutely right. This whole (original) article was intended for amusement only. I'm thinking that a good number of the people responding are just having a little fun in blasting Kainan. I'm also assuming that Kainan just might be having a little fun with some of the things he's said as well. I must admit that I've rather enjoyed many of the "zingers" that've been shot back and forth. But tell me… As a past teacher, aren't you amazed at the poor use of spelling and grammar in most of these? Again, I liked many of the thoughts you presented.

  • Tongueincheek

    "Yes, I was a sustitute teacher for a while when not otherwise employed and I enjoy target practice with my sons."

    Seems like that would get boring pretty fast, unless you either have a heckuva lot of sons, or are an abysmal shot. ;)

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