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Zombie Nation Personal Defense

DIY Zombie Kills: Up Close and Personal Combat in the Zombie Apocalypse

by Patrick Sweeney   |  April 3rd, 2012 24

What do you do when you run out of ammo and there are no more guns to take down the drooling walkers of the apocalypse? You have to stay alive, so you fall back a couple of centuries, and use blades and impact weapons — with proper precautions, splatter can be an irony.

Blades
First thing’s first: Kitchen implements and woodworking tools will be poor choices. You see, a blade that is meant to cut is likely to get stuck. Ever felled a tree, had the blade get stuck and have to wiggle it out? Do you want that happening when you’re hand-to-gory stub with the zombie hordes? And cheap, “surplus” machetes are even worse. Not only will they stick, but the low-grade stamped steel blades will bend.

You want a real-deal hand weapon, or tool that can work as a weapon, meant to chop and crush, not smoothly slice, not unless it has some horsepower and leverage behind it.

A chopper is something like the Hardcore Hardware tomahawk. With an aggressive edge, and a spike on the back end, it will open doors, break windows, even bust through cinder block walls to make firing ports. Made of super-tough D2 steel, it won’t weigh you down while serving you well. If you need more of a tool and less of a weapon, their Rhino works wonders at opening locks, among other things.

If you want a blade, then talk to the guys at Zombie Tools. They sent me their Apocatana, and it slices like nobody’s business. I really don’t think it would get stuck, slicing the top off of a zom’s skull, but if it does, you’ve got three feet of leverage to get it free, and can even walk it out, running on an angle.

As much as love a big Bowie knife, with zombies I’m not interested in creating sliced wounds. Zombies don’t bleed to death, they’re already undead.

Impact
A sledgehammer, you say? Do you need that much force, and how fast can you swing it? And when it comes to swinging, how long can you keep at it? No, you need something more agile. A roofing hammer? Just how long are your arms?

The perfect item might just be a police riot baton, 4 feet of hickory. However those might be a bit difficult to find, so let’s just jump right to the default tool, the ubiquitous baseball bat. As a traditionalist, I would be tempted to go with a classic American ash bat. But I would not want St. Peter to be noting my box score at the pearly gates as a “broken bat single” after the hordes overcame me.

No, I’ll get an up-to-date aluminum bat. It won’t break, the distinctive “ping” will let my friends know where I am and what I’m doing, and if I have to abandon it, there will be another in the next block. Plus, it will shrug off any disinfectant you care to use, up to and including burning alcohol.

Knives are for slicing rope, shredding fire-starter and cutting food. Once the apocalypse has come upon us, we’ll need bigger blades for the serious work.

Don’t forget the facemask or respirator. Viral plagues are no joke, and splatter can ruin your day.

What’s your ultimate instrument of zombie splatter?

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