Obviously, we’re in love with our guns. They’re among the most important tools to have during the zombie apocalypse, and could very well save your survival party. But what happens when you’re out of ammo, or when you’re faced with a catastrophic malfunction?
Time to get creative. When your gun can’t cut it, time to improvise. There are an infinite number of ways to kill zombies, but we’ve rounded up nine of our favorite ways, some inspired by our favorite zombie movies—er, documentaries—and some the products of our own twisted imaginations.
Zombie documentarian Greg Rodriguez included some of the most imaginative zombie kills of all time in his 2007 film Planet Terror, a good deal of them coming courtesy of the movie’s star, Cherry, whose leg is replaced by a Bushmaster Carbine with a mounted KAC M203A1. Suddenly, an old women’s self-defense tactic becomes an explosive zombie-killing technique. Eat your heart out, Gramatica. We’re not recommending you saw your leg off in lieu of a sweet rifle limb, but if worst comes to worst, then by all means, get yourself some Gatling gams.
Roll Over, Beethoven
The 2009 film Zombieland also had its fair share of creative kills, but it made no bones about which was its No. 1 zombie-stopper. In the short “Zombie Kill of the Week” scene, we’re presented the story of Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker, who manages to drop a grand piano on a zombie chasing her into church. Sounds more like something out of a Three Stooges short, but if you manage to A) procure a piano, B) hoist it above your doorway, and C) lure a zombie underneath it, then heck, we guarantee you’ll make the G&A Zombie Killers Hall of Fame.
Unlike Fargo, we don’t want to be handling zombies to feed them in. No, we’d have to set the chipper up vertically, then lure each shuffler into the open maw. That, and make sure the output is directed properly. Can’t have it splashing onto areas we want to traverse, eh?
By all accounts, these things can be pretty hazardous. But since we aren’t worried about tanks being busted by gunfire, we can mount it on a handy-dandy transport cart. Roll it up, set it down, turn the valves and get to work—or play.
You need a heavy-duty zombie vehicle—a big brush guard helps, and extra style points if you weld or bolt sharpened steel sawteeth plates to it. Roll the windows up, set the A/C on “cabin”—no outside vapors being sucked in by the system—and in the words of GTO, “Drive, drive, drive.” Plan ahead and have a system of hoses or a local carwash, because once you’re done you do not want to be touching the exterior of the vehicle until you’ve at least hosed it off.
Since noise attracts, how about a big, empty basement without stairs or ladders? At the end of a hallway leading to it, mount a stereo, out of reach, over the pit? Have children’s tunes playing, on a continuous loop, attracting the zombies to it. They shuffle in, head to the music, fall in, and that’s that. Properly ventilated, a weekly drum of diesel dumped in, lit and left, should suffice. Admittedly, this is more on the side of efficiency than style, but sometimes you just have to go with what works.
OK, this takes some equipment. Rig a section of chain-link fence, but insulate it from the posts and ground. Hook a portable electric generator to the fence section—too much fence and you won’t have enough juice. Fire up the generator. If you arrange things right, the noise of the generator will attract attention. If not, you’ll have to provide bait. Just be aware that each zombie takes a certain amount of electrical power to fry. If you try to light up too much fence, you won’t toast them. If too many hit your fence at once, they won’t fry. But experimentation can be fun.
There are going to be lots of leftover bottles, and while gasoline might be in short supply, alcohol won’t be. A mixture of liquid soap and Everclear in a bottle with a lit rag will do. Toss them. Hang them from wires, and when a zombie walks into it, pop the bottle with a shot from a .22LR. Keep score: distance, percentage, two-for-ones, etc. We’d confine our slow-pitch to a designated area. We really don’t want any more broken glass littering our A.O. than is already there.
Hard to lure a zombie into an encounter with a table saw, but a nail gun might work. Of course, there is the pesky problem of needing to make contact; nail guns have safeties that preclude using them as firearms. A battery-powered circular saw might work. But if you’re bored—really, really bored—you could use a nail gun. By far, the best solution may be to just mount a power tool on your trusty rifle, which must be what the folks at DoubleStar had in mind with their J&T Zombie AK, featuring a mounted chainsaw. Just remember: Extension cords only reach so far, and they require electricity.
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